Finding Meaning
by tiffaroolou
Summary: "He'd missed his chance; Jules was gone, flying halfway around the world by now with Mr. Perfect." After the closing events of One, Maybe Two, Ways Out, Shawn goes back to the Psych office to think about things. Shules-ish. Spoilers up to S05E09.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Not even Shawn. Though he's on my Christmas list. (hint, hint) ;D

**A/N: **Just a little something running through my mind as I got myself **Psych-**ed up for the new episode on Wednesday. This will likely be either two or three parts, and I hope to get the rest up before the episode premieres.

**Chapter 1: Twist**

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Shawn sighed, leaning back in his chair. He'd been sitting here for hours now, just thinking. The Psych office had grown dark around him, but he didn't feel like going home right now, or even getting up to switch on the light.

He'd missed his chance; Jules was gone, flying halfway around the world by now with Mr. Perfect.

_Declan._

Shawn pronounced the word in his head as though it was a curse. Truth was, though, he couldn't bring himself to hate the guy, or even dislike him much. Declan was a good guy, a little stuck on himself maybe, but Juliet liked him. And she deserved to be happy. Shawn _wanted_ her to be happy. It was one of the things he wanted most in the world. But, like he'd told Gus, _he_ wanted to be happy, too. And he really, truly believed that Jules was an essential part of that equation. The _most_ essential, in fact. Crucial, basic, the keystone, if you will. The part of his life that supported and held up the rest. The piece of the puzzle that made all the others suddenly fit. Without her, nothing was right; nothing was worthwhile; nothing made sense.

And in relation to things that currently made no sense in his mind, that kiss had certainly qualified. Whatever he had thought at that moment, as he was all but renouncing any claim to her affections, a kiss had been the furthest thing from his mind until it was suddenly, unexpectedly, the closest thing to his heart.

She had dropped a bombshell on him, one _hell_ of a bombshell, and he didn't have a clue where it had come from or what it meant.

And now he was more confused than ever.

Why had she kissed him?

What did she mean by it?

And what about Declan? Because she had stayed with him. And she had gone with him. And now she was gone, altogether.

Had it been a goodbye kiss, then?

She had watched him as he left, they shared a look before he shut the door behind him, and he had thought the expression on her face to be one of regret.

Regret for what though? For what she was doing, or what she had done, or what she was yet to do?

Regret that he was leaving?

Regret that _she_ was leaving?

Regret that she had to make a choice at all?

Well, she obviously had made her choice now, and it was Declan.

Shawn groaned and buried his head in his hands.

Why had he left?

Not that he could have stayed.

But why had he come in the first place?

And why had she kissed him?

And why, oh why had she _left_ him?

Why, why, why, why, _why_?

So many questions unanswered, and absolutely no way of fixing this. His supremely tuned powers of observation could do nothing, nor his quick wit. His 80s movie references had abandoned him entirely, and not even his great hair could get him out of this one. All things that he prided himself on, things that he took for granted just like he'd taken for granted his and Juliet's past status quo, things that he relied on, like he had relied on her to always be there.

But now she was gone.

He had always been restless. Had always been the one to leave, always the one to run when things didn't go the way they should, to take off when things weren't working out or he felt that it was time to move on. And now that he'd built the first semblance of permanence in his life, the first time he felt that he had really put down roots, the first time he was sure that he _could_ stay… Now his reason for staying was gone.

He didn't blame her for it. Their wires had been crossed so many times over the years that he'd almost lost count. He'd never given up though, never let go of the idea of them being together eventually. But he couldn't fault her if she had.

Or perhaps she'd never considered it at all, at least in the way that he had. That kiss, however, seemed to suggest otherwise.

Which brought him back around to what on _earth_ that kiss had meant?

And whether it even mattered anymore, now that she was gone?

As Shawn sat at his desk, lost in his thoughts, he almost missed the door creaking open behind him. He didn't look to see who it was, assuming it was just Gus, come to see why he'd been acting so strange. Gus had figured out that something was up from the time they left Declan's house, but Shawn had put him off with some lame excuse involving spider monkeys and the climate of Morocco that he could tell his best friend hadn't really bought.

"Hey, man," Shawn began. "Sorry I took off earlier. I just had some stuff to—"

"Shawn?"

The voice that spoke was decidedly_ not_ Gus, unless he had somehow managed to master his impressions of people around the SBPD station overnight. Hardly able to believe his ears, Shawn slowly turned in his chair.

"Jules?" He tried but failed to hide the honest shock in his voice.

The porch light framed her face in a soft glow as she hesitantly stepped inside. She gave an uncertain smile as she stepped closer to his desk, though still leaving a safe distance between them.

"Hey, Shawn."

Well, this was a twist.


End file.
